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By Terri Bastedo (Editor’s note: This is second in a series on parenting/step-parenting teenagers) Last month, we discussed how having a firm foundation in your marriage and building positive discipline within your blended family could improve your quality of life with teens in the house. Being a teen isn’t easy, either. Understanding them is even trickier. Sound familiar? --Angry, moody, pouting, emotional, yelling, selfish, unpredictable, funny, sulky, argumentative, hungry, sleepy, GONE, disrespectful, stubborn, demanding, irritable, manipulative, pensive, irrational…irresponsible. Perhaps one of the most important lessons your teen needs to learn at this juncture is that of consequences; learning how to be responsible for their actions, understanding the repercussions of ‘bad judgment,’ and seeking their own ‘truth.’ Cause and effect. In a blended family – particularly if it’s a new situation – teens are going to be on the defensive. Where do they fit in? Does the parent still love them as much? Think you’re the only one dealing with the chaotic hormone-raging teen as a parent/stepparent? Think again. These are common feelings associated with ‘coming of age.’ Adjusting to all of these things is oftentimes difficult for the teen, biological parents and particularly stepparent(s). Statistics show… …that more than half of first-divorced American bioparents – especially biological fathers – remarry within two to five years of their marital separation or mate’s death, and some even in months. Chances are, you’re this statistic (particularly if you’re reading this column). Which is why it’s so important for you, as the adult, to make smart decisions which impact not only your quality of life, but that of your teen’s, as well. In addition, on average, it takes five to seven years for a blended family to fully gel. Moreover, this is if the family members cooperate as a team. The marriage can’t survive if the couple doesn’t present a united front, make the rules together, enforce them, and keep them consistent. Teen Issues On top of your usual garden-variety peer pressure, teens now have much more to deal with than teens did even 10 years ago. Racism, relationship to family(s), figuring out who they are and why, what kind of friends they want (and what kind of friend they want to BE), grades, drugs and alcohol, sex, and most of all, enigma concerning all of these issues. And now they have a stepparent. You might think it’s tough being a stepparent, but take yourself back to high-school, multiply your problems times two, and you might have a glance at what the teen in your household feels. This doesn’t excuse bad behavior, nor is it typical of all teens. However, if you’re having trouble in any of these areas, you’re not alone. Nor is the teen. He/She is also coming to grips with someone their parent loves, which may make them feel temporarily alienated. If there are other, new stepsiblings involved, this can become quite a mess, trying to maintain discipline with varying ages. You can, however, with the help of your spouse, assist the teen in overcoming these feelings of abandonment, perhaps by even employing their help in assisting with younger siblings, if the teen is willing. My parent does what?! Teens tend to look at their parents as ‘non-sexual.’ It might be uncomfortable for them to suddenly see ‘mom or dad’ becoming ‘intimate and giddy’ with their new spouse. This honeymoon period is difficult for the teen, especially if you’re overtly affectionate. That’s not to say you shouldn’t be this way with your spouse. But it does help explain some 'behavioral changes' from the teen. In the teen’s perception, their ‘love’ territory is suddenly being replaced. In single-parent families, some kids even taken on adult-like roles (nurturing, responsible). They’re given responsibility for themselves – typically out of necessity and a working parent – are part of decision-making, and sometimes even given the task of ‘taking care’ of their younger siblings. Of course, they start to think they’re adults at this point, and will resent giving up these rights, to some extent, and responsibilities when the parent remarries. It’s highly suggested to ‘discuss this’ with the teen before a long-term commitment. Being able to openly discuss with them your impending marriage, and keeping it honest may help pinpoint some tasks they might want to continue. You might also consider ways to include them in decisions that affect the whole family (them included). They’ll still feel ‘important’ and you’ll potentially have more help than ever! Of course, remarriages with children bring so many nuances and facets; perhaps some of which have not yet been faced by your teen. Suddenly, the teen could be ‘followed around’ by a grade-school stepsister. Holidays change, new customs are beginning, some of which take place in the same household. Children, remember, need consistency and structure. Keep the daily schedule as close to the same as possible. Never make unnecessary changes, unless what the teen is doing is having an adverse affect on other family members. Marching to the beat of a different drummer Repeatedly, it’s brought up by stepparents how step-teens disrespect the new spouse’s territory, show ‘disdain’ for younger step-siblings, are haphazard in what they say and how they say it. Women, in particular, encounter these issues, as the daughter struggles with feelings. Be selfish. You HAVE to take care of yourself. How you treat yourself will have a direct impact on the teen, and sets an example for him/her. Detachment Parenting is a different approach, but may help steer the teen in the right direction. Case in point: Try to resist giving advice. They seek it because they’ve temporarily lost ‘faith’ in their own ability to make a decision. Don’t take this question seriously, unless it’s been posed to you more than twice. Communicating indirectly may also help ‘avert’ disturbing arguments. Try instead to write a note (when you’re calm), send them e-mail, or schedule a ‘dinner/lunch’ date to discuss things when you and the teen are both calm. You should expect inconsistency. Don’t be shocked and shaken when one day, she loves you, the next, she doesn’t. This is natural. It may or may not be a result of your specific role in your teen’s life. Don’t take everything the teen says to you so personally, particularly in an argument. They are still coming to terms with not only themselves, but your new role in ‘their’ household. Remember – you’re the adult. If a situation arises, and you’re the stepparent, you must have the cooperation of your spouse to ‘deal’ with the teen. Discipline should always come from the bio-parent – not the step. Your sole responsibility is to be that of a friend (I know, you’ve heard it before…but it cannot be said too many times). Discuss with your spouse behind closed doors things which concern you. Then, let your spouse deal with the teen appropriately. The only exception would be if you feel physically threatened, or your personal items/space are being violated and used without your consent. Even then, consult with your spouse to get the teen in the right direction. Teach them to respect other people’s property as well as feelings. (Next month a list of suggested do's and don'ts regarding your teenager) |
