By Heather Parbst, Gainesville, FL

All new stepmoms will wake up one day and realize this is just not how they expected their lives to go. They will feel disappointed, and a bit cheated.

A good stepmom will decide what she will do with what she has now. She will question her decisions, she will question her love for her husband. She will question her abilities. She will realize that she is totally unprepared for the role she is now in. She will realize there was no way for her to prepare because she didn't know she would need to.

A good stepmom will stop and make sure she is in this relationship for the right reasons.

A good stepmom will start working to push jealousy and anger out of her life, because those are her two worst enemies. She will work to let flexibility in. She will start working to make her self a better person. But she will forgive herself if she doesn't become a better person over night.

A good stepmom will realize she is walking an unchartered path and the only given is she will meet much resistance. She won't always be able to predict what is around the next corner. And she wont always handle each situation the right way.

A good stepmom will acknowledge her challenges, embrace the uniqueness of her life, rise to those challenges, and realize that she is nonconformity at its best. She will make sure that her husband is at her side and in her corner, for she will always be in his...and his children's...and she will accept nothing less. She will give of herself while knowing she may get nothing back. But she will never give away herself.

A good stepmom will maintain her individuality. A good stepmom will make her home her home but it will be a nurturing one. She will strive to learn empathy for her husband, for her stepchildren, and for his ex. She will do what she can to make the ex not the enemy. She will not always agree with the way things are going with the people in her life, but she will strive to understand why, for that will give her the knowledge of how to best deal with it. She will become an analyst, and a psychologist. She will learn why the people in her new family act the way they do and what she can do about it. She will learn to accept the things she cannot change. She will have courage to change the things she can, and she WILL develop the wisdom to know the difference. She will take care of her self. She will take time for herself. She will learn from herself. She will seek the counsel of others in similar situations, understanding that no one's situation will be exactly like hers. She will have the courage to walk through the pains of growth, of rejection, of resistance, of anger, and of loss in her new family with the faith and the hope that she will reach love, understanding, and acceptance on the other side. She will understand that she might not succeed the way she expected, but she will succeed just the same. She will try. She will accept that she will not always be understood but she will not hate those that don't understand her, for they simply don't understand.

A good stepmom will breathe. When things are out of control she will breathe. When she has lost her perspective she will breathe. When someone says something hurtful she will stop and breathe.

A good stepmom will learn to work toward mastering love, understanding, acceptance, and empathy. She will learn to question her motives and make them as pure as possible.

A good stepmom will not act out of vengeance or jealousy, because she will realize that those actions will only make things worse in the end. 

A good stepmom will work to be a powerful voice in her home and her life.

A good stepmother will recognize the important role of her stepchildren's mother and will not try to impede on that. But also, a good stepmother will recognize the importance of her role for it is truly special. She will be an instigator of joy, of unconditional acceptance, and of peace. She will teach love, self acceptance, and openness. And she will do it without animosity.

A good stepmother will develop her own role and grow to be comfortable in it. She may be like an aunt, she may be like a friend, she may be more than both of those, but she will find what works for her and her family.

A good stepmother is courage, kindness, compassion, and so much more.

A good stepmother will realize that the role of stepmother has yet to be defined. With that in mind, she will realize that she can define it however she wants.

A good stepmom will realize that the role of stepmom is unfairly looked down upon and misunderstood. She will realize that stepmoms just like her are working right now, by example, to end the stereotypes and help people see just how truly special stepmoms are. With that in mind, a good stepmom will look at her life, with all its trials and tribulations, with all its joy and beauty, and embrace it, because she is part of a group of special women that are making history.