Copyright 2002 Karon Goodman

 Navigating the minefields of stepfamily life can seem impossible at times. There is always someone around to trip you up, to destroy all of your efforts to build something good, to make you run for cover. Surviving can be an uphill battle, but it's a battle you can win if you're prepared. Here are a few strategies that might help.

 *Know your enemy.* Stepfamily life isn't a war, but it can feel like one sometimes, and those closest to you can feel like the enemy. Your mission is to recruit them for your side. Start by knowing where you stand right now. If your stepchildren dislike you or are openly hostile to you, try to understand why. How can you help them accept you into their life? Or perhaps you're just an easy target. Don't take their antagonism personally if they're reacting out of grief.

 Maybe your enemy is your stepkids' other parent, the one who wishes you didn't exist. If that's the case, accept his or her feelings and know what to expect during your interactions. Be the best stepparent you can be without worrying about the other parent's perception, and let your integrity speak for itself. Don't waste your time trying to reason with an unreasonable person, but keep a willing heart and embrace any opportunity to mend fences.

*Know yourself.* If you are facing disrespectful stepkids or a manipulative parent, deal with it in a way that is true to who you are. If you need to confront your stepkids about their behavior or attitude, do it, but do it gently. If you need to keep your distance from their other parent, do it, and know that you have the right to protect yourself in this very demanding role.

 Then problems arise in your family, understand and communicate to others what you need to help you deal with them. Don't settle for someone else's solution unless it's truly something you can live with. You will know what you have to have to put the problems behind you and move on -- keep working until you get it. The peace and satisfaction with your role depends on it.

 *Have an escape plan.* If the battle gets too heated or the stress level gets too high, realize that you don't have to solve every problem in a day. The problems that plague a stepfamily are complicated and often mean lots of work. Do what you can each day, and then let your mind and spirit escape to a calmer place. Give yourself a break. Retreat and regroup so that you can return stronger the next day.

 Maybe you and your spouse can set aside a time each week to discuss what's going on with your family so that you can relax the rest of the time. Maybe you can excuse yourself from the events or situations that cause you the most stress, such as some of the kids' activities or in-law visits. Maybe you can practice saying "no" and eliminate some work from your schedule. Take a time-out whenever you need it, so that you'll be ready when it's "time in" again.

 *Form an alliance.* One thing that is so hard about building a successful stepfamily is doing it under the constant scrutiny of the kids' other families. The bonds that existed before the new family was created are still there, but now the lines have been redrawn and the relationships are confusing and messy. The most important relationship, though, is your marriage that made everything new possible. When that alliance is strong, the rest will follow. Protect your marriage and let it protect you.

 If you're very blessed, you'll be able to form the unlikely alliance of a stepparent and a stepchild. You'll have to work hard for this relationship, but you'll be eternally grateful and surprised at the strength and courage it gives you. If you don't have this kind of alliance yet, don't give up. You may have to go through "hell and high water" to get it, but it's worth it.

 *Remember the prize.* When you're down in the trenches, fighting the petty and the profound battles of steplife every day, it's easy to forget what you're fighting for, to want to abandon the cause and find the nearest way out. Hang in there. Remind yourself what brought you to this place in your life. Think about the future that you planned with your spouse when you joined forces and made this commitment to each other. If the love that you two had then is still there now, that's all you need to know. You'll be able to win the war if you remember the prize