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© copyright
2002 Karon Goodman
Finally! It's beginning to feel
like spring, and once again, the season brings to the surface the
feelings of renewal and potential. It's the growing season. It's a time
of hope and promise. How deep is the hope and promise you feel for your
stepfamily?
If now is a difficult time for you, it may be hard to
feel any hope. If you're struggling to keep your marriage together,
reaching for a relationship with your stepchildren, or fighting a
negative and manipulative bio-parent, a feeling of renewal is exactly
what you need. Now's the time!
You won't be able to correct every problem your
family has or create lasting relationships in one season, but you can
make a start. You can work today, right now, to approach your life with
renewed commitment and enthusiasm.
*Know what you're working with.* Sometimes, we get so
overwhelmed with the sheer terror of everything we face that we fail to
recognize the little things that push us over the edge. "My life is
a mess," is one way of looking at everything, but a more
constructive way is knowing exactly what makes it such a mess.
Have a heart-to-heart with your spouse. Specific
concerns are so much easier to deal with than blanket statements of
discontent. Make a written list, and tell your spouse everything that
you consider to be a threat to your marriage and a drain on your family.
Don't place blame or demand action, just state your case and ask for a
similar list from your partner. Know what you're dealing with. It's the
first step.
*Have a plan.* Growth for a stepfamily may be slow,
but it can be helped along a little bit with a good plan. From the lists
you and your spouse made, devise a new and innovative way to approach
and deal with each issue. A plan gives you a sense of progress, and when
you feel like you're making progress, it's much easier to continue.
Decide together some steps you can take to reduce or solve each problem
you're facing. Write those steps down, too.
Your plans can involve anything from "develop
house rules" to "limit phone calls from your stepkids' other
parent" to "devise a budget" -- whatever you need to
address. Make the steps measurable and doable, and where possible,
involve each member of the family in achieving them.
Set a date, perhaps the first day of summer, to
review your lists. Be proud of the progress you've made, and revisit any
issues that aren't improving.
*Renew yourself.* Perhaps no one needs a stronger
spirit than a stepparent. The hours are long and the benefits are
sometimes elusive. Every day can seem like a test, and losing hope is
easy. Instead, find renewal.
Spend some time alone. Look at everything you've
learned, and remember the optimism you once felt. Focus on the
possibilities before you and the second chances that surround you. Look
at the possibilities that are just about *you*. Are you where you want
to be? Do you see areas where you can grow, and are you willing to do
the work? Can you let go of the past and embrace the future? Can you
continue this challenge?
Only when you are strong in spirit can you build a
strong stepfamily. Only when you start each day anew can you renew
yourself. Only when you believe in your family can it grow. Don't miss
the growing season.
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