In the forum pages of this web site I read so much about the trials and tribulations of the many stepfamilies who seek help and support. While so many of these people in a fusion family™ have to deal with very difficult issues, this Valentine’s Day let’s not forget the positive story of stepfamilies as well.
Valentine’s Day should remind us that a stepfamily starts when two people fall in love and say "I do". It starts with love. Because of this love, two people are willing to come together as a ready-made family. Love is very powerful but it can be overshadowed and diminished by the daily grind.
What happens when we let our stepfamily difficulties take control over our lives? We’ve all been there. Stepfamily problems loom larger than life and begin to consume us. The parenting issues we face become all important and time consuming. Obsessions can set in and we look at our spouses with ever more critical eyes. We forget who we are and why we fell in love in the first place! As one recent forum visitor wrote: "It is easy to put ourselves into a "box" of "I am mother" and forget that we are people with our own needs…". What kind of box have you put yourself into?
How can we break out of this confinement so we can, as SFNet puts it: "Envision the stepfamily that fulfills each person's needs and develops each person's potential". It takes a real hard effort. One must put aside one’s ego and forget about being right or wrong. Ask yourself: "Do I want to be right or do I want to be loved"?
Another forum visitor who worked very hard at supporting his wife in front of his children and stepchildren had this to say about his resulting experience: "You have made me wake up, she is my wife, she is a person, apart from my stepson. I need to relate to her more as my wife, not as my stepson’s mom. I am going to demand that my stepchild and own children treat her as my wife like I would expect anyone else to treat my wife. Thanks again, I owe a lot to you and the others for this advice. I think I will go down to the kitchen and tell my wife I love her just the way she is.:):)". What a great story and joy that is expressed in this post. All of us can take heart in this message.
When the children are all gone off to college and all of the stepfamily issues have diminished, who will be there standing next to you? Remember the person who you married this Valentine’s Day. Take the time to spend some quality time with them, alone if possible. Rekindle the romance and love. Take them in your arms and tell them you love them. You’ll be giving a wonderfully powerful message to your spouse and your stepfamily.
Happy Valentines Day!
-Tom Wohlmut
President,
Stepfamily Network
Fusion Family is a trademark of the Stepfamily Network, Inc.