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Terri Bastedo At 8 a.m. Tuesday, September 11, I was listening to the news on CNN in horror. Immediately -- before even hearing details of what HAD occurred already -- I was mortified; I knew that not only would the attack on our nation get worse before the day was over, but that my child (and ALL children) with parents who are tuned in to the news had already heard bits and pieces of the tragedy. Key phrases, such as "plane crashed" and "horrific" and "more tragedy is anticipated" were hyper-loud. By 8:15 I was going to my daughter's school. I'm in charge of spearheading the school's yearbook committee, and this was our first meeting. Nothing could've been further from my mind than the yearbook. In a matter of minutes, the reality of what was unfolding quickly raced through my heart and head. When I arrived at school (and unfortunately, as I'd thought would happen), parents were gathered around the school office, CNN turned on with closed captioning as well, so that the office could watch. In school, in the office, where our children are sent for counseling, for errands, for the nurse, for forgetting lunches. Although I commend the school for quickly doing "damage control," by sending mass e-mail to all teachers telling them to turn OFF classroom televisions, stop Internet activities and "alerting" teachers to the severity of what was happening, it was virtually impossible to completely keep it a mystery from these elementary school children. My first inclination was to check my daughter out of school (as several moms discussed in the school office and lobby); but I realized quickly that this would alert my child that "something" really, REALLY bad was happening. I calmed down somewhat, switched into "logical-thinking mommy mode" and mentally started preparing myself for how to deal with it when I picked her up from school that Tuesday afternoon. When horrendous events like these occur, it not only leaves each and every adult with any heart at all mired in disbelief; but most importantly, it becomes impossible to shelter our children from the reality of what is happening. While we're struggling to even understand this tragedy, we MUST consider our children's perspective, and spring into action to help them cope. No matter how upset we are by the grim reality that our country is not as safe as we would like it to be, we have to offer our children some semblance of security in their world. This is the difference between siring a child and being a concerned, loving parent. And as a mother, you immediately want to protect, no matter what the costs. After consulting with friends in the community who are child psychologists, I'd like to explain some damage control you might need to employ in the aftermath of this tragedy, as well as what might possibly be in store for our nation soon, especially for those children whose parents are in the military, FBI, intelligence and law enforcement. Wake Up Call: Safety IF your child is older and knows not only what happened but also the severity of it, offer immediate reassurance in any way possible to make sure that your child knows that those people closest to them are OK. First, even though they see you, explain that their closest family members -- Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters, stepmoms, stepdads and extended family -- are all safe. This is essential even if you live nowhere near the site of one of the attacks. Next, reassure your child about other relatives -- grandparents and family friends. Actually telling your child that for sure, they're all OK is comforting for you, as well. If possible, you may want to let your children talk to them on the phone or by sending e-mail. Home: Consistency - Structure - Normalcy Try to keep daily activities "right on schedule." If your child does homework right after school, then that's the plan. Keeping the environment and structure gives our children a sense of security, despite "outside" world chaos. Infinite Details, Distance, and Selective Discussions Resist the urge to listen/watch all details unfold. It's so much more important to protect our children from things they don't need to know than us, being the "informed ones." If you must keep informed, use headphones. We all cope with shocking news when it's not "immediate" and rather discovered through print media; protecting especially our very young ones is crucial. If your children are older and interested (in general) in the news and want to watch, be sure to watch with them, so you can explain what's happening and answer their questions. Authority Figures Doing Their Jobs Explain to your child that everyone (including you) from their teacher to the President are all working together to keep our nation safe. Again, reinforce to your child that you are personally insuring his/her safety first and foremost. You should be doing this anyway. Isolated Event Make sure you stress that these particular events (planes crashing, buildings collapsing, etc.) are not normal and have never happened in this way before and probably won't again, now that all of our leaders are aware there's a threat. My child's school immediately implemented a "safety" plan with all school doors and classrooms and providing comfort as necessary when questions and concerns arose. Know how they feel, and don't diminish it, regardless of age. Children, even at a very young age, are painfully aware of your emotions; and these emotions will project to your child if you let them see it. While it's natural and even "OK" to let your children know you're sad, be as calm and reassuring as possible. Worry on your time, even though it might seem impossible. Again, I feel our natural, parental instincts prepare us for this; use these. Understanding and Kindness As you are going through the rainbow of emotions, your children -- again no matter what their age -- might start showing signs of distress in response, which might manifest through tantrums, impatience, nightmares, mood swings or basic anger. Right now, it's crucial you show strength and patience to your children. And again, reassure them that THEY are safe. Know Yourself; Anticipate Your Reaction Know your own limitations regarding stress, shock and sadness. Many of us feel a sense of unreality; the events still seem surreal to me, in fact. Find your own support (whether it be your spouse, family members, a good friend or your religious institution) and use it when you feel these symptoms start. Getting this support for yourself is crucial, so that you can be calm and confident with your children. The Aftermath -- Brace Yourself Like adults, children often have a delayed response, and take cues from us. But they respond in ways that are hard for us to understand. (Read above regarding children's mood swings and uncharacteristic emotional outbursts). Many of our children might play, as though nothing had happened, but make no mistake -- they're aware of our moods and ACUTELY aware of our conversations, being naturally curious creatures, still trying to understand the world around them. Good parents know to "watch child's play" because therein we discover how they truly feel and whether or not they've been affected. The closer you are to the traumatic events -- perhaps because you live near one of the sites of violence or have relatives who were directly affected -- the more intense your emotional response, as well as your child's, is likely to be. But the unfortunate fact is that everyone in our society is affected, and every child will observe and have to deal with the emotional fallout as the adults around them review, discuss, debate and react to the events. |
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Them Carefully! Some children's reactions will be easy to interpret. They will blow up block buildings over and over or crash a toy airplane. They will draw explosions and smoke, as they saw on television. Other reactions will be less obvious. Children may act more serious with less spontaneous joy or look in a worried way at the sky or buildings along the street, as though they might burst into flames. Other children may be unusually wild or disobedient, which is just their way of dealing with the strong emotions around them. Children's artwork -- and understanding what colors and symbolism means -- may be indirectly related to the traumatic events. A child may draw a sad-looking house, for example, or a dog that "is very sick, and he might die," as your budding artist might say. The colors might be red, yellow, and black, alerting you to "angry" feelings. On the other hand, another child might make a happy scene with a sun and flowers, declaring, "I want everyone to feel happy again." Verbal children may ask many questions or ask the same question over and over. Others may ask one question (about the plane blowing up, for example), accept a parent's answer in a matter-of-fact way, then go back to playing. Although they seem unaffected, they are processing your answer. And it might be a week later before they truly react. It's important to recognize that all of these behaviors are attempts to deal with the upsetting, frightening emotions raised by the traumatic events. What You Can Do Children need permission to deal with difficult emotions, just as adults do. They also need to have the freedom not to deal with emotions, at least outwardly, until they are ready to handle them. Some specific things you can do include talking with your child about her feelings. If you notice her looking sad, anxious or upset without obvious reason, ask your child if she is thinking about the plane crashes or the buildings that fell down yesterday. If she says "yes," let her know that you have been thinking about the same thing. Accept your child's emotions. Children need to know that any feelings they have are OK. Children who have grown up with strong moral principles may worry that it is wrong to feel very angry, or to imagine taking revenge. Others may think that it is a sign of weakness to feel scared. Worry or shame connected to these normal responses can make the emotional strain worse. Help your children find their voice. Many of the words to describe what happened -- terrorist attack, devastation, disaster, catastrophe -- are too big for children to feel comfortable with or even understand. They need simple, concrete words: The airplane crash, the building falling down, the fires, when all those people died in New York and Washington. Although you may be tempted to keep things a little vague and avoid such direct descriptions, they really do help children make sense of the events and give them the ability to talk about them. Encourage art! Many children especially young children do better expressing feelings in pictures, rather than in words. Let your child have paper and crayons, and take seriously what she draws. Rather than just admiring the artwork, invite your child to tell you about it. If she doesn't feel like talking, that's OK, too. Realize that play can be a coping mechanism. Children's play is not frivolous. Children use play as a way to handle emotionally charged issues. It's important that parents accept their children's play, even if the themes are disturbing (death, for example), rather than trying to make the children play "happy" games. You can join your child in play simply by sitting quietly nearby. Or you can reflect the action in words, with little other comment, for example, "That building just fell down. What happened?" Play that has a repetitive, compulsive quality can be a sign of more severe upset -- if a child repeatedly draws disturbing pictures, for instance, or only seems to play games that involve violence or death for more than a day or two. Stepparenting During This Time I know I waited a long time to mention stepparenting, but as is commonly advised, be there for your stepchild as backup support for the parent. Talk to your partner (privately) about these events, how you feel, and ideas on what you feel our nation should do; just make sure the child's not around when you do it. Encourage the bio-parent to be hyper-cognizant of their children's feelings and "actions," particularly now and even a week from now. Identifying disturbing behavior is crucial right now, so you guys can immediately provide soothing activities, words and dialogue to calm your children/stepchildren. Don't assume that your stepchild is simply being "arbitrary." Now of ALL times in your stepparenthood, you need to keep in mind the importance you play in this child's life and how you react to them, especially if they're disturbed. Free-flowing communication -- as well as closeness with their bio-parent -- are crucial right now for these children. Although many don't have good working relationships with the other bio-parent, make phone calls readily available and encourage the child to call as often as they wish. In fact, now is the time, if it's ever going to happen, to extend the olive branch to "that house." I think we all need to feel that there is some hope left for this world; by being a bigger adult, we can do just that. Again, I cannot stress the importance of consistency, normalcy and routines. It is absolutely critical right now, and perhaps for the next month, that we keep our children's and stepchildren's schedules "by-the-book." Being "uninformed" as a parent/stepparent is the biggest disservice we could possibly exhibit right now, in our nation's darkest hour. Put aside petty feelings about "the other house" and help the child feel further safe and extra happy that his/her family was not at all directly affected by this national tragedy physically. Most of us are still shocked, reeling from these series of events. Dealing with it personally is critical to our core relationships, as well. Our spouses are counting on us to be logical, intelligent and strong during this time. Let's all try to pull together and protect our children emotionally at this time of crisis. **** By noon Tuesday, I thanked God for the safety of my loved ones. I visited the forum once (admittedly, I was a little too disheartened to respond to regular stepparenting questions). And I had to ask myself what's TRULY important to us? Remembering some of the issues on the website (not to mention the absolutely ridiculous flames) made me think about WHY some make much ado about nothing; and I wondered whether this day would make a difference in how they dealt with their relationships which are in "trouble." If we didn't learn something from this heinous attack on our country, I don't know what will ever make a difference. If today was your last day on earth, could you go to bed and feel good about each and every thing you did? Could you look yourself in the mirror, and think: "Today, I was a good person. I treated others exceptionally well, I treated MYSELF well, and I worked hard to make sure I was responsible"? If you can't answer yes to these questions, now is the time to start working on a way to ensure that in the future, you can. ©2001 Stepfamily Network |
