Look anywhere, and you see the horrifying results of "broken families." Local and national news tell you of children who grew up the product of broken homes, never feeling love or acceptance, fearful of everyone, trusting of no one.

He breaks into a liquor store, and it’s because his parents divorced. She gets pregnant at 15, and it’s because she couldn’t adjust to her mother’s husband and children. These kids have problems because they didn’t grow up in traditional families.

We’re quick to blame any problem that a child from a broken family has on his disrupted childhood and the loss of his traditional family. When he gets in trouble, the blended family is the easy scapegoat. Are all of his problems related to his family structure?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Without minimizing the horrifying effects that divorce can have on a child, we also can’t blame it for every problem he has the rest of his life. Obviously, there are situations where children are neglected, even abused, as a result of divorce or remarriage. But there are other children who have benefited from their upbringing in a nontraditional home, who have blossomed under the care and concern of a stepparent.

Because of the problems attributed to stepfamilies, though, loving, well-meaning parents and stepparents sometimes feel that every growing-up "hiccup" from their children is caused by their broken and re-made family. So how can you tell the difference between "normal" problems and those resulting from the stepfamily? Here are a few guidelines that may help.

1. Expect a reaction. Children, even well-adjusted ones, aren’t going to adjust to a blended family without any reaction at all. Some problems are to be expected -- moodiness, possessiveness, even anger -- but if the child is adjusting, then these problems should also be temporary. That’s the key. You should be able to see the child making progress with these kinds of feelings. They may recur from time to time as he enters different stages of his life, but again, they should be temporary. Give the child time and space to adjust in his own way.

2. Classify the reaction. You already know pretty well how your children will react to trauma and change. Your spouse knows how his/her kids tend to react. So when kids behave in a way that is consistent with their personality, even if it’s troubling, try to see if it seems normal for the child. A child who is quiet by nature may talk very little about how he feels about his new family, and that may not mean that he’s in abnormal pain. On the other hand, a child who has always been talkative and demonstrative and then suddenly withdraws is probably cause for concern.

3. Look at the rest of his life. Children don’t live in a vacuum, cocooned inside your protective walls. At every age, children face changes and challenges outside their families. What else is happening in your child’s life that could be causing him problems? Is it the start of a new school year? Is it a new school? Did her best friend move away? Did a pet die? Is he starting a new sport? Are hormones kicking in? Does she have a new boyfriend? What else is going on in his life besides changes at home?

4. Ask. It seems obvious and perhaps a bit too direct, but ask the troubled child what is causing her to feel the way she does. You may get an answer that has nothing, or everything, to do with the stepfamily. She may not know how to start the conversation, but if you approach her, she may answer your questions because she wants you to hear her. Be calm and non-threatening. Regardless of what is causing the problem, it’s never a mistake to offer to listen and let her know that you care enough to notice when something’s wrong.

Take a look at your children and stepchildren. Notice what they talk about and what seems to upset them. Try to see if they’re troubled kids or just kids trying to grow up. If you’ve decided that your child or stepchild is having problems related to his new family, there are a few things you can do to address the problems and improve life around your house for kids and grown-ups alike.

1. Keep the kids out of the line of fire. If you and your ex-spouse or your spouse and his/her ex can’t get along in a civil manner, have your fights somewhere other than in front of the kids. They’ve seen enough bloodshed. They’re trying to heal, but they can’t do that if they’re overcome with stress and fear every time they see their parents together.

2. Keep your negative opinions and comments to yourself and your spouse. Your child is not a sounding board for your complaints about his other parent even if they’re warranted. Your stepchildren can’t build a relationship with you if you insist on insulting or criticizing their birthparent, even if you think he or she deserves it. Talk to your spouse or a trusted friend about those issues -- not the kids.

3. Keep on the look-out. If you think there might be a problem, don’t wait for it to get out of control. Address it when you see it by talking to your spouse first. Perhaps he/she can see something you can’t, maybe you’re reading too much into a situation, or perhaps there’s a better way to handle it. Also, don’t be afraid to consider counseling for the child or the whole family -- some problems require professional help whether kids come from traditional or nontraditional families.

4. Keep a positive attitude. Kids reflect what they see the adults in their lives do, even stepparents. If you are confident in the eventual success of your stepfamily, if you look for solutions and keep trying, if you expect your family to work -- then your children and stepchildren will see that and believe it, too. They need some faith to hang on to, and you can supply it. Believe that your life will get better, and then share that belief.

5. Keep an eye out for good news. Sometimes, we’re so intent on searching for and destroying problems that we forget to see and appreciate progress. When you hit upon something that seems to work in a given situation, remember it and use it again. When the kids respond to you and show signs of hope and happiness, hold on to it tightly. When a child with a problem begins to cope and grow, celebrate and encourage. Everyone in a blended family has experienced so much pain. When there is progress, it is indeed cause for joy.

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No one can automatically feel "blended" into a group of strangers suddenly sharing the same house. No one can make such a transition without uncertainty, insecurity and fear. No one can become a step-anything without a period of adjustment to allow for mourning what is lost, absorbing what has come, and preparing for what will be. It takes time, but that’s at least one thing you have plenty of.

There is much that you can do to help everyone blend more easily, so that the problems your children and stepchildren face will be those of typical children with loving parents -- parents who just happen not to live together.