Bye, love you both

Karon Goodman, a mom and stepmom from Alabama, is a freelance writer and the Stepparenting Guide at About.com She also writes a monthly column for Momscape called The Stepmom's Sideroom, Some other credits include Bride Again, Woman's Day, Writer's Digest, Petersen's Bowhunting, The Second Wives Club, Simpler Living and Inscriptions. Karon's written two e-books for children, and her giftbook, Everyday Angels, was published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., fall, 2000. Her book for stepmoms will be released next year by EquiLibrium Press, Inc. You can subscribe to The Stepparenting Journey newsletter here:

by: Karon

Life after divorce and remarriage normally means less interaction with a former spouse, but sometimes, the interaction can’t be avoided. How the adults handle those situations, and more importantly, how they handle sharing their children with others, has a huge impact on the children and how well they adjust and grow in their complicated lives.

Divorced parents who wouldn’t choose to socialize, even if they’ve parted on fairly civil terms, often won’t hesitate to sit side by side when it comes to attending a function for their children. Sometimes, all of the adults can behave like adults for the sake of the kids, and stepparents are welcome at the kids’ events, too. If you’re fortunate enough to have a relationship like that, count your blessings.

It’s especially fortunate for the many kids who belong to two stepfamilies when their parents can relax, enjoy the events, and do what all parents should do -- support their children in their activities. Sometimes, if you’re the stepparent, you get to watch the event, too, maybe you get a hug afterward, and if you’re extremely lucky, you get a real bonus.

My husband and I went to his younger son’s soccer game on a recent Saturday morning. We watched the little boys and girls chase the rolling ball over the still damp grass, gulp juice and eat orange slices at half-time, and then cheer when their team scored its first goal of the season.

My stepson’s mom was there, too, of course. She had brought him to the game and would carry him home with her when it was over. We happened to be parked side by side, and after the game, we all walked together toward the cars. We chatted about the long-awaited goal and shielded ourselves from the sudden rainshower.

We were saying our last good-byes, and as I shook the umbrella and started to get into the car, I heard my stepson with one last farewell.

"Bye, love you both," he yelled to his dad and me as he approached his mom’s car, waving and then ducking quickly to get in out of the rain.

Wow, I thought. I was so thankful that he could say that. I was thankful that I knew he meant it and that he wasn’t afraid for his mom to hear him say it. She’d heard him tell me he loves me before, I know, but every time, it always makes me stop, take a quick breath, and remember how lucky I am.

I know that some moms don’t want their children to love their stepmothers. I suppose it’s out of fear or insecurity or jealousy, but it’s always the child who suffers from that kind of attitude. Loving a stepmom doesn’t make a child love his mom any less. More parental love is never a bad thing.

I don’t see or talk to my stepsons’ mom much, just because that’s how it works out. We’ve never discussed her feelings about her children and me, but clearly, she hasn’t told them not to love me, and for that I’m eternally grateful.

I’ve worked very hard to build a relationship with my stepsons, but I probably couldn’t have done it without their mother. Regardless of how she feels about me, she has not discouraged her sons from loving me. And they’re strong and secure enough to tell me so in front of her. I think that it’s an enormous credit to her and her willingness to let them love me. That’s more than a bonus. That’s a true blessing.