© 1999-2006 Stepfamily Network, Inc.

Having a parent replaced by a step, is not an easy transition, for there are other issues that take place before this relationship even begins. Separation, divorce, and bitterness are just a few of the negative things a child has to deal with during this delicate and painful time. The home which at one time represented security has now under gone dramatic change. It is the responsibility of both parents to put aside their own issues. Children are brought into this world and it is our job as parents to teach them, guide them, and protect them. It is their birth right.
    Divorce breeds pain for all parties involved. Financial stress, resentment, and loneliness are all contributing factors. For a child living under these conditions, life can be traumatic.
    At age14, I felt my fathers new girlfriend, was going to take away all of my fears. She was the answer to my prayers, a mother figure and a friend. I was going to have a family again. Visits to my fathers apartment in New York, became less, and less infrequent as he became more involved in. his relationship, I began to feel a loss and deep resentment toward his new girlfriend.
    My father was a generous man, generous with his time, as well as his money. As a child (pre-divorce) I didn't know what it was like to do without the things I needed. I tried desperately to get his attention, but nothing worked. He eventually married his new girlfriend, and visiting their new home was never comfortable. I remember asking permission to go to the refrigerator and the awkwardness of having to do that. I was sick to my stomach. every thing required permission. It was then that I realized she demanded respect from me, there were boundaries and fine lines. At 16 years old, this is a difficult concept. Something as simple as visiting my father, required permission. there were rules and I didn't understand why.
    At 47, my father became a father once again. This time he was going to do it right, and his wife was going to finally have a family of her own. I was a thorn in her hip, and she had no problem getting that across to me.
    A woman that enters a family, is so very powerful. They have the ability to bring all members of the previous family together or tear them apart. I've learned this through observing her behavior. I've tried to conform to her wishes. That didn't work, and I fought her. Non of my approaches ever seemed to work. Being good, was never good enough.
    Thinking that stepchildren learn to grow up and just forget about their experiences is a misconception. It is embarrassing to think of yourself as a grown person and still carry the burden of a sad and confusing childhood. I am 38 year old woman now, with a child of my own. I still look for my fathers approval, although I am not angry with him anymore. Spiritually I've realized that the've made me who I am, and I am proud of myself. I am no longer angry with them, and that's good, but disappointment is heavy in my heart.
    If I am fortunate enough to marry again, there is a good chance I too, will become a stepparent. I am sure I will try to be one of the good ones.