It's important to exercise caution when thinking about adopting a stepchild.   Adoption usually requires the consent of both biological parents.  Even though your ex has dropped out of sight, he may suddenly reappear and start creating havoc if you start adoption proceedings.  Seek advice from an attorney before you make a final decision.  Also, you may want to check out this book that's reviewed on our Web site:

Keys to Successful Stepfathering, by Carl E. Pickhardt, pages 162-164

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The biological mother of my three stepchildren has walked away from them before and is now doing it again!  And when she has been around for her visits, she just talks trash about myself and my husband to the children.  How can we help the children deal with her leaving AGAIN?  And what if she wants to see them arbitrarily and not in accordance with the visitation order?

It is very difficult to stand by while you know your stepchildren must deal with an abusive parent.  And talking trash about you and your husband is verbal abuse.   Yet as tempting and justified as it may feel to give tit for tat, the children will not be helped by descending to the ex's behavior.  To help relieve the pressure on the children, you might consider getting them to express their feelings about what is going on.  For example, you could ask "How do you feel when your mom talks that way about your family?"  Or "How does that make you feel when your mom goes off and doesn't see you for a long time?"  A biological parent who can't put the needs of her children first is a terrible loss for a child -- something that can't be made up.   But you can offer a stable, secure, loving environment in your own home for these children.  Regarding deviating from the visitation order: The visitation order is exactly that -- an order.  It's purpose is to give structure when parties disagree.  On the other hand, ex-spouses who can negotiate with each other without outside help usually are flexible about court orders.  If you're dissatisfied with how the visitation order is being executed, you might want to consult with your attorney about your options.  Your question is a very big topic.  To get your arms more fully around this problem, how about checking out some of these very valuable books that are reviewed on our Web site:

Stepmotherhood: How To Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked, by Cherie Burns, especially chapter 5, "The Wicked Ex-Wife," pages 41-55

Stepmothers: Keeping It Together With Your Husband and His Kids, by Merry Bloch Jones and Jo Ann Schiller, especially chapter 5, "The Ex-Wife," pages 93-116

P.S. Your stepchildren might be interested in seeing other stepchildren's artwork at www.stepfamily.net/kids.htm

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No one can force love.  The reality in stepfamily life is that the man you are considering marrying may love you deeply and profoundly, yet not love your child.  Feelings of love for stepchildren take years to develop and there's no guarantee or necessity for that to happen.  A more realistic expectation is to work towards mutual respect within the stepfamily.  Having children of one's own really does not prepare one for stepparenting.  Being a biological parent and a stepparent are two very different roles.  It is good that your potential spouse is talking to you about his feelings about your son, as opposed to bottling them up and leaving you in the dark.  Even without the stepfamily issues involved, the two of you may have very different parenting styles that would need to be worked out anyway if you wanted to have children together. In our experience, it helps if the couple comes together first in agreement about how their stepfamily will function.  You might ask yourself the effects on your son if he saw the two of you united in how the household runs.  Presenting a united front helps guarantee the best chance for step relationships to succeed.  You'll also find a wealth of helpful information and insights among the books reviewed on our Web site. Specifically useful may be the following:

Keys to Successful Stepfathering, by Carl E. Pickhardt, pages 15-20

Stepfamilies: Myths and Realities, by Emily B. Visher and John S. Visher, pages 85-98

Making Peace in Your Stepfamily, by Harold H. Bloomfield, pages 48-49, 67-69, 100-104, 188

You're a Stepparent ... Now What? by Joseph Cerquone, pages 8-17

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You are an excellent observer of a phenomenon that often occurs when children move between two households -- one of heightened anxiety and confusion.   You might try establishing a predictable routine for the times you mentioned.   For example, how about starting a favorite video, taking a family bike ride, or playing a board game.  Any activity the children enjoy that takes some of the attention off them might help reduce some anxiety and the behavior that's showing up.

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We agree that clear rules and consequences should be established for your home -- especially about issues very important to you.  You might try working out some rules and consequences with your husband -- alone -- so that you can present them as a team (perhaps at a family meeting).  Because the kids are not yet listening to you as a voice of authority, let your husband be the "enforcer" of the consequences.  As rules become more consistently enforced, you can step in.   For now, it's probably better to parent as a team with your husband, allowing him to take on the enforcer role.

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Many people understandably feel that their children have suffered enough as a result of their divorce. Some parents even feel guilty. So they may try to make it up to their kids by devoting themselves completely and totally to their kids' welfare and putting everything else second. While this may sound desirable and noble, it has the potential to backfire in disaster. The couple relationship must take precedence. A less than rock-solid relationship between husband and wife threatens the security of the stepfamily. As a result, the children may face yet another break-up. The old maxim -- the best gift you can give your children is to love your spouse -- couldn't be more appropriate here. The couple provides the foundation for the stepfamily. Without husband and wife bonding and working together, there is no family at all. So the couple's focus must be on nourishing their relationship, not only for themselves but also for the sake of their kids. Then the children fit in more naturally, easily, and happily within the emotional safety of a secure marriage. This is probably the most important lesson for a stepfamily couple to learn.

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The fact is that no one can force love. The reality in stepfamily life is that a spouse can love his or her mate deeply and profoundly, yet not love that mate's children. Feelings of love for stepchildren may take years to develop, and there's no guarantee or necessity for that to happen. A more realistic expectation is to work towards mutual respect within the stepfamily.

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A stepfamily is born of loss. Every member of a stepfamily has experienced the pain of loss in the process of becoming a stepfamily. A stepfamily is very different from a traditional, nuclear family. To try to pattern a stepfamily after a traditional family is like trying to force a square peg through a round hole. While a stepfamily obviously has some disadvantages, opportunities also exist. For example, a child growing up in a stepfamily has more role models to pick and choose from. More adults are available to help relieve what in traditional families is constant, unremitting child care. The child also has more adults and people in his or her life to offer support, caring, and nurturance.

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It's tempting for some couples at the outset of stepfamily life to hurl themselves and their families into big planned outings and events where everyone is expected to participate. This is a denial of what's really going on and needed. That's why the cute term "blended family" is such a misnomer. At the beginning, a stepfamily is anything but. In fact, several mini-families are living under the same roof, and each needs its own separate space and time for nurturance. For example, the couple, the father and his children, and the mother and her children are three possible mini-families that may now find themselves grouped together as a stepfamily. Before these three independent groups can truly coalesce, each needs to feel safe and secure in its own right within the stepfamily. Each mini-family needs to continue to spend some alone time together without interference from other stepfamily members.

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Stepparents sometimes feel pressure from themselves or others to replace the missing biological parent in their stepfamily. Sometimes they'll even take on the name of "Mom" or "Dad." This must be done carefully because it can exacerbate children's loyalty conflicts.  Even with children who have lost a parent through death, they may resent a stepparent coming too close to the role already filled by the biological parent.  Of course, biology does not always equate "parent."  There are some cases in which a child has given up on an unavailable and/or abusive parent and quickly accepts a stepparent as the parent, but this is quite unusual.  In most cases, however, a stepparent is an addition to a child's life, not a replacement.

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