Building Positive Discipline
1. Discuss your disciplinary beliefs with your mate. Don't be quick to
'action'; the long-term results of what you do might not be seen for years.
2. Analyze the situation. Never assume. Look before you leap.
2. Mutual respect a must. He said/She said doesn't work. You're a team.
3. Blending a family takes time, and lots of hard work. Treating everyone --
children and adults alike -- with respect and dignity works wonders.
4. Be kind but firm. Count to 10, take a deep breath, and consider the ramifications of
what you're saying, and how you say it.
5. Encourage your spouse, and value everyone's feelings and ideas by welcoming
suggestions. Watch, listen
and learn.
6. Get involved with and interested in the children. Show pride when it is
appropriate, and take into consideration their age and development.
7. Keep the children out of your marital conflicts. Children learn by example. Scheduling
a date night during the week might reduce the stress on you and your spouse.
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by Terri Bastedo Any
architect will tell you before you can build a house, you must first have a solid
foundation. Without it, the longevity of the structure will be woefully short-lived.
You wouldn't drive at night without headlights in a foreign country, but you'll
walk down the aisle and assume the role of stepparent without hesitation, thinking surely,
it can't be that bad. Wrong! So before you point an accusing finger at the
'misbehaving teen,' take a long look at the entire familial picture.
Both the parent and stepparent need to fully recognize their roles and 'reconsider' each
of these as they relate to the child's/teen's struggles, preferably before marriage.
Marriage is a choice; children don't have that luxury.
Who are these people, and what did they do with my family?
Confused? The same 'building' could easily be applied to your family. No one
said it would be easy, and although some newlywed parents think they'll automatically
'love' their stepchildren, that isn't necessarily true. Couple this with a teenager,
and confusion/frustration will be nipping at your heels, perhaps turning into a vortex of
uncontrollable rage.
Typically, the stepparent questions what his or her role should be with the stepchild.
According to experts, the stepparent's role should simply be one of support and
friendship. So -- is it the teenager or parent who is responsible for angst in the
family? Perhaps it can be argued both ways.
The chicken or the egg?
Before you decide on how to handle the children, you must remember that the marriage came
first. A family cannot survive if the two leading partners are not communicative and
intimate about their goals and challenges. Even though children require much time
and attention, sometimes adults use their activities as an excuse to not make time for
their spouses. If the two of you
cannot get along, how will the children learn these important skills? And why would
you expect them to behave any differently? Therein begins a lack of understanding
and dissipation of friendship between you and your spouse, which will inevitably erode
your blended family. It may also give impressionable children the 'wrong idea' of
what marriage and relationships truly are.
Terri Bastedo is a mother of an eight-year old and a stepmother of a four-year-old.
She is a nationally known journalist and editor and lives in Birmingham, Alabama.
© 2000 Stepfamily Network, Inc. |
