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Stepfamily Network asked a stepmother's support group to review the movie
"Stepmom" to see if it gave a realistic portrayal of what it's like to be a
stepmom. Here's what they had to say. "Stepmom" is the first movie endorsed by the Stepfamily Association of America. It was better, and more realistic than anything released previously. But a sensitive, realistic, helpful portrayal of stepfamily development is yet to be filmed. "Stepmom" did not get the endorsement of this group of San Francisco Bay Area stepmoms who watched it together recently. Several of us liked some portions of it, and all of us related to some parts of it. If you're thinking about renting "Stepmom," think twice. We're not suggesting you pass, but a double take is the appropriate precaution for this somewhat two-faced movie. Really, "Stepmom" is two movies. One is about the blending issues that are familiar to all of us in stepfamilies. The other (and dominant) theme is the dying mom, a staple of Hollywood tear-jerkers, and actually quite well done by Susan Sarandon. All of us related more to Julia Roberts, of course, as the harried Stepmom. Some of the scenes with hostile children, bosses who don't understand your sudden family obligations, and an often clueless Dad (who doesn't want to notice how nasty his children are being) are so familiar we wonder why we paid to see them. Some memorable moments: * The Stepmom and stepdaughter finally connect, in a lovely, sensitive scene involving an art project - an activity the artistic Stepmom could share with the often hostile preteen daughter. * Incredible, inappropriate boundary-crossing, from Mom storming into Stepmom's darkroom without knocking, and Stepmom wandering into |
Mom's kitchen when
delivering the kids and asking for coffee. Not to mention the closing scene when the whole
blended family shares Christmas in the home that used to belong to Mom and Dad. * The teacher telling the (biological only) parents at a school conference about the daughter's fabricated reports of family life, including an international boarding school for her, and - of course - Mom and Dad's reconciliation. This is a familiar, typical fantasy of children of divorce. * Determined hostility of a stepdaughter who publicly rejects a new family pet rather than give any positive response to the despised Stepmom. * A hilarious school pageant, which even showed some limited, semi-cordial interaction growing between Mom and Stepmom. * A touching, romantic proposal scene that, as one husband in our group observes, "makes the rest of us guys look bad." * Other than that, and a few tagalong scenes, he's a generally absent Dad. Stepmom did a lot of kid-schlepping. The bottom line is, the movie copped out. "What happens if the Mom doesn't die?" asked one of our stepmoms. What, indeed? Even though the production of this movie apparently had several stepmoms involved (which is why some scenes are so realistic), it still resolves the stepfamily issues by whittling the population back down to traditional family roles: one dad, one (step)mom, and the kids. The real challenge of stepfamilies is figuring out how three or four people can share the parenting of children. Real stepfamilies are struggling with this every day. This challenge is well illustrated in a scene where Stepmom and Mom are discussing the daughter's future wedding; a day the Mom won't live to see. Stepmom fears that the daughter will only think of her absent Mom; Mom fears that daughter won't remember her. But they overlook the obvious: When parents cooperate, kids can have it both ways. A grown-up stepdaughter can be grateful for the help and support |
of the Stepmom, and
they both can be wistfully sorrowful that the Mom isn't also there to share a happy
occasion. Julia Roberts finally won over the kids, but Susan Sarandon had to give permission. This part is realistic; a stepfamily is strengthened when the biological parent sincerely communicates to the children that it's OK to like or even love the stepparent of the same gender. Reassuring they kids they don't have to choose is a loving, positive act. "I would have loved a movie that showed the realities of letting go of your own issues and focusing on the needs of the children, and seeing the positive outcome," said one stepmom. The fact is, killing off the mom simply is not a viable solution for most struggling stepfamilies. If you're still thinking about taking the kids to see it, see it yourself first. The heavy theme of mom dying may be too much for any but older teens. The under-10-year-old stepchildren of one of our moms saw the ads and expressed interest in the movie, but after seeing it herself, that stepmom deemed it too intense for the kids. The older teen daughters of another stepmom in our group had no interest in seeing the movie. And another stepmom took her 12-year-old stepdaughter, and the child was so traumatized by imagining her own mother dying that the experience strained anotherwise good relationship. One group of people who might benefit from seeing this flick are the friends who just don't "get it" - the ones who helpfully listen to a stepparent's frustration, and say, "oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it that way, your stepdaughter is always such a sweet little girl," or "just draw on that bond that ties you, and you'll get through these tough times." Such bonds can indeed grow among members of a stepfamily, but they can be like a Banyan tree, twisting and turning, perhaps eventually strong and straight but only after years of growth.
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