by Abigail Layton
I've gazed distractedly with a protracted gnaw at the bustling couples full of child and
children.
But by the time I met the one I wanted to father my hopes and happy castles, my ovaries
had long tired of their purposeless, monastic cells.
Now that I have wed the beloved of my dreams, his daughter encircles me with her love. I'm
not her mom. She has a mom. I am her friend, her confidant, her stepmother.
How does it feel to be childless on Mother's Day? Just as the first days of autumn can
waft warmth in temperament akin to spring and summer, the knowledge ever-lingers that
winter is soon to come.
So I enjoy the joy while the joy is here to rapture, as the stepmother of a beautiful
miracle of love and affection.
|
By -- Peggy Watt
Like just about everything about
stepparenting, living through Mothers' Day as a stepmother can make
you crazy if you let it. Don't let it.
Also like most advice about surviving stepparenting, this is easier said than done. But
controlling the factors you can helps smooth a road filled with obstacles, as Mothers Day
can be for many stepmothers.
Maybe you're among the fortunate ones who have negotiated a peaceful, even fruitful
coexistence with your stepchildren (and their maternal relatives). Maybe, although
your stepchildren spend Mothers' Day with their biological mother, you receive some
appropriate acknowledgment of your contribution to their lives - not eclipsing their mom,
because she is their mom, and you are not. But something that recognizes you.
Hallmark recognizes you. Each year, the Mothers' Day card racks offer a wider selection of
"other mother" cards, appropriate to recognize caring friends. Like stepmoms.
So, if you're among those recognized and appreciated souls, mazel tov; you probably aren't
reading this!
For the rest of us, getting through Mothers' Day is pretty much like getting through any
day as a stepparent, just with more weight. Don't let it bring you down.
If your mother is alive and nearby, you can sidestep the Me issue by not inappropriately
focusing on her.
Many sensitive husbands/dads recognize a stepmother for her contribution. If you wish he
would, say so; otherwise, he may downplay the holiday rather than risk rubbing it in.
Just as you should try not to look to mercurial stepchildren for approval and validation -
don't hold your breath! - you don't need the florist industry to validate your role as a
parent.
It's OK to be a stepparent. This job isn't mother or sister or grandmother, and it really
isn't "just like" any of them. The job is stepmother, and it's legitimate. If we
keep telling each other that, eventually the sentiment may break through to the world.
Some churches honor all women on Mother's Day, which is a validation of stepmothers. You
can do a little damage control and consciousness-raising by talking with teachers or
administrators to ensure schools remember to recognize "other" maternal
influences in their students' lives.
And whether you take the high road and help stepchildren buy Mothers' Day cards or gifts
for mom is up to you; I say, delegate that to Dad.
Truthfully, I find Fathers' Day a little tougher. My stepdaughter is always with us on
Fathers' Day, of course. I'm less likely to travel to visit my Dad, because we try to stay
together and reinforce our family identity on holidays. But Fathers' Day at my in-laws'
home brims with biological ties and three generations of fathers but no place for me. My
claim to a seat at the table is merely marriage to an honored guest; I had no role in why
this day is important to him. Sometimes I duck the issue and fly to visit my parents.
Self-preserving tactics and a philosophical attitude are key to surviving any tough times.
I suspect Mothers' Day after one's mother is deceased is worse. Being a motherless and
childless stepmother on M-Day could be emotionally difficult enough to warrant drastic
distractions.
Schedule something, don't save the day to brood. (My solution one year might be a bit
extreme; I planned surgery). Take charge: Make your weekend feel emotionally safe. Do
something nice with a friend who has lost her mother. Stay away from brunches.
And consider this: the stepchild who forgets you at Mothers' Day might also forget the
biological mother, in the scatterbrained spirit of childhood. |
Dear Stepmommy,