With the holiday season just concluding, some stepfamilies may be searching for avenues to deal with the difficult feelings evoked. Some stepfamilies may be looking for ways to plan for future holidays which will produce more cheer and less melancholy for the entire family. The following suggestions can be applied throughout the year and come from others who wish to avoid the the stepfamily holiday hangover blues.

Adjust your expectations! Remember a stepfamily is different from a biological family. Your celebrations will not look like Ozzy and Harriet or Father Knows Best. They will not even resemble those of the Brady Bunch. Create new traditions that will focus on the talents and desires of your stepfamily unit. Find an activity that appeals to all of your family members and make it a part of your family’s celebrations.

Be sensitive to your children’s need to be with both of their biological parents. As children age, they may also desire to spend some of their holiday time with friends. Providing permission to move freely between homes and enjoy all celebrations is a true gift to your children.

Prepare for the absence of your children on those days you will most wish they could be with you. If they will be with their other parent on Christmas Day, Birthday, or other holiday consider an activity for yourself and/or your household. If they will be away for an extended period of time the list that follows may provide support for you and your children.

Postcards – Little notes that simply say you are thinking of each child is one way to remind your children that you are a part of their lives, even when they are not with you. Sending your child a set of cards and envelopes that have been preaddressed and stamped also provides an avenue for your child to respond.

Photo album – Select an album and send pictures you have taken when your children were visiting you as well as pictures of you doing routine things or at special events. (This could also be done in a videotape format.)

Phone cards, toll free numbers, and/or a children’s phone line – Make your children’s ability to contact you as simple as possible. They will be more likely to pick up the phone to simply say hello if you have provided the avenue for contact. For families with computers, e-mail and/or faxes can provide an easy method for staying in touch.

Collections – Find an interest that is unique to your child and begin to build a collection. (Some collection ideas are stamps, coins, trading cards, or action figures.) Sending little gifts that will enhance your child’s collection can create a connection for parent and child.

Your voice on tape – Provide a tape player your child can operate, then send stories you have read (perhaps along with the book) so that your child can listen to your voice reading the stories. For older children, articles, summaries, or playbooks might be of interest.

Favorite TV shows - A television program that you and your child could watch together, even when you are miles apart, can act to build another connection. Selecting one show allows another contact point of interest and communication between you and your child.

Planning ahead for the holidays reminds parents and stepparents to adjust expectations to fit the stepfamily structure. Suggestions like those above may be helpful throughout the entire year to help children cope with the transitions and losses caused by divorce and remarriage. Finally, creating new traditions unique to the stepfamily can build greater glue to hold the family together and ease the blues.

©1998-2002 Stepfamily Network