Seemingly unlike a lot of people, I have never considered "family" to be a biological construct. Our biology doesn't make functional families, it only accounts for things like height and "male pattern baldness." Parents are not people who conceive children; that can be done in a test-tube. Parents are people who care for and nurture children. I am someone who was adopted by a stepparent. I would like to share some of my thoughts with those of you considering adopting your stepchildren, and to stepchildren who may be adopted by their stepparents.

I was a stepchild who was adopted by my stepfather. Now, I am an adult with a father. The adoption of stepchildren requires a unique set of circumstances, of course, so I will share my own. I never knew my "biological-male-conceiver" (which is much more accurate than "father"). My mother remarried a man she loved, and he entered my life when I was young. I wasn't asked to call him "dad" or "pops" or anything like that. I was allowed to call him whatever felt comfortable, so I would be comfortable. After my parents had been married for a few years, my father and my mother spoke with me about adoption. It wasn't presented as a decision that I simply had to accept, but as an option, as a choice I could make. I could say yes or no.

Looking back now, I can see things clearly that weren't so obvious to me at the time. Now, at 24, I have legally been my father's son for about 12 years, half my life. I have been his son longer than 12 years, however. But what did the adoption mean to me then? What does it mean now?

First of all, there were the little things associated with "fitting in" as a child that I hadn't really considered before sitting down to write this. There were questions from classmates about why my last name had changed. Those were a little uncomfortable to answer, sometimes, but there was a kernel inside me that always wanted to dance and shout that "hey, I was chosen to be a son!" I wasn't a fluke of biology. I wasn't the one that my parents drew from chance; I was picked! I also remember questions from teachers at conferences before I was adopted. Since my mom remarried, neither parents had my last name, which made everyone a bit uncomfortable when my folks were addressed with my last name. Even little things like name changes turned out to be better after the adoption. The adoption itself was not a difficult process. There were court visits by my parents, I think forms for my biological-male-conceiver, and then the acquisition of new documents (like a new birth certificate and social security card). Nothing too difficult. No dragons to slay, no fiery pits to cross. A very bureaucratic process, really.

Looking back, I think the "legal" adoption really isn't too important to me now, except for some consistency between my folks' and my last name. What was significant then was the act of the adoption and what it signified. It was a very validating experience, though I couldn't have articulated that as a child. My mom had picked a new person in her life, and that person had chosen me as his son, in whole. And I chose him to be my dad. The adoption was the stamp of approval on his choice and mine.

© 1999 Stepfamily Network Inc.